Jokes abt computers si tot ce tine de ele...

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Schepsis
Ala care sterge posturi si tebuie injurat!
Din: Spatiul Cosmic
Postari: 217

Casnicia unui programator...

CLIENTUL:
Acum un an am schimbat versiunea Logodnica 7.0 cu Nevasta 1.0 si am observat ca programul a lansat o optiune subita Bebelus1.0, care ocupa mult spatiu pe hard. In instructiuni nu era nimic mentionat. Pe de alta parte, Nevasta 1.0 se autoinstaleaza in toate celelalte programe si se lanseaza automat cand deschid alta aplicatie, impiedicandu-i executia. Aplicatii ca: Bere-intre-prieteni 10.3, Duminica-la-fotbal 5.0 nu mai functioneaza. Uneori apare un virus: <Soacra 1.0>, care blocheza sistemul sau face ca Nevasta 1.0 sa se comporte total haotic. Nu reusesc sa dezinstalez acest program si devine insuportabil mai ales cand incerc sa lansez aplicatia Duminica-de-dragoste 3.0. Se pare ca si alte fisiere sunt virusate. De ex. : c:/Sex_sambata_dimineata.exe nu mai functioneaza deloc. Am vrut sa revin la programul anterior Logodnica 7.0 dar procesul de dezinstalare al programului actual, Nevasta 1.0 mi se pare complicat, iar riscurile pt. sistem sunt mari mai ales pt. Bebelus 1.0 care chiar imi place.

Ma puteti ajuta ?
Un utilizator disperat.

RASPUNS:
Draga client, Nemultumirea Dvs. este frecventa printre utilizatori dar ea se datoreaza unei greseli primare de conceptie: Multi utilizatori trec de la orice versiune Logodnica X.0 la Nevasta 1.0 cu speranta falsa ca Nevasta 1.0 nu e decat un program de divertisment si utilitati. Dar e vorba de mult mai mult : Nevasta 1.0 e un Operating System complet creat ca sa controleze toate aplicatiile Dvs. E aproape imposibil sa dezinstalati Nevasta 1.0 si sa reveniti la Logodnica X.0 intrucat exista sisteme virusate care fac ca si acesta sa se comporte precum Nevasta 1.0 deci nu aveti nimic de castigat. ceeasi problema si cu Soacra X.0. Acesta e un program mai vechi din care deriva Nevasta 1.0 si comporta multe probleme de compatibilitate. Cu putin noroc, sfarseste prin a fi victima unui virus si dispare in cativa ani. Unii utilizatori au incercat sa formateze tot modulul si sa instaleze programul Iubita + Nevasta 2.0 dar asta le-a creat si mai mari probleme (a se citi notita de prevenire "Pensie alimentara" si "Custodia copiilor"

. Daca instalati Iubita 8.0 nu incercati sa treceti la Nevasta 2.0 pt ca problemele vor fi chiar mai mari decat cele cu Nevasta 1.0. Chiar daca exista si versiuni Nevasta 3.0 si Nevasta 4.0, acestea sunt rezervate specialistilor si avand un pret ridicat nu le recomandam. Daca sistemul cade, va recomandam Celibat 1.0 dar ideal e sa pastrati Nevasta 1.0 si sa invatati programul cat mai bine posibil intrucat e foarte sensibil la anumite comenzi si reactioneaza rau la erori de instalare. Asadar, orice eroare aparuta va fi considerata ca provenind din partea Dvs. si trebuie sa vi-o asumati. Va sfatuim sa activati aplicatiile C:/Scuze.exe. Evitati utilizarea tastelor ESC si SUPPR care necesita ulterior C:/Scuze.exe/flori. Pentru o mai buna utizare, va sfatuim sa cumparati si pack-ul Bijuterii 3.0, Vacante 5.1. Optiunile Da_draga_mea 2.7 si Ai_dreptate_iubire 4.5 sunt indispensabile. Nu instalati sub nici o forma Secretara_blonda_in_fusta_mini 2.0, O_prietena 3.1. Aceste programe sunt incompatibile cu Nevasta 1.0 si pot distruge sistemul. Functia c:/Sex__sambata_dimineata.exe se va activa odata cu c:/Colier_cu_diamante.exe.

_______________________________________

Knowledge means power!

Schepsis
Ala care sterge posturi si tebuie injurat!
Din: Spatiul Cosmic
Postari: 217

Calculatoare= multa matematica, iar matematica = life-ul nostru de zi cu zi

luati un calculator si hai sa incepem sa facem un calcul

> > ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
> > Smart man + smart woman = romance
> > Smart man + dumb woman = affair
> > Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
> > Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
> >
> > OFFICE ARITHMETIC
> > Smart boss + smart employee = profit
> > Smart boss + dumb employee = production
> > Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
> > Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
> >
> > SHOPPING MATH
> > A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
> > A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't
> > need.
> >
> > GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
> > A woman worries about the ****** until she gets a
> > husband.
> > A man never worries about the ****** until he gets
> > a wife.
> > A successful man is one who makes more money than
> > his wife can spend.
> > A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
> >
> > HAPPINESS
> > To be happy with a man, you must understand him a
> > lot and love him a little.
> > To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot
> > and not try to understand her at all.
> >
> > LONGEVITY
> > Married men live longer than single men, but
> > married men are a lot more willing to die.
> >
> > PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
> > A woman marries a man expecting he will change,
> > but he doesn't.
> > A man marries a woman expecting that she won't
> > change, and she does.
> >
> > DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
> > A woman has the last word in any argument.
> > Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
> >
> >
> > HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING
> > MARRIED:
> > Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs
and cackling, telling me:"You're next." They stopped after I started
doing the same thing to them at funerals.

_______________________________________

Knowledge means power!

Schepsis
Ala care sterge posturi si tebuie injurat!
Din: Spatiul Cosmic
Postari: 217

In the beginning there was the computer. And God said

%Let there be light!

#Enter user id.

%God

#Enter password.

%Omniscient

#Password incorrect. Try again.

%Omnipotent

#Password incorrect. Try again.

%Technocrat

#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Sunday, March 1.
%Let there be light!

#Unrecognizable command. Try again.
%Create light

#Done

%Run heaven and earth

#And God created Day and Night. And God saw there were 0 errors.
#And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Sunday, March 1.
#Approx. funds remaining: $92.50.

#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Monday, March 2.
%Let there be firmament in the midst of water and light
#Unrecognizable command. Try again.
%Create firmament

#Done.

%Run firmament

#And God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors.
#And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Monday, March 2.
#Approx. funds remaining: $84.60.

#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3.
%Let the waters under heaven be gathered together unto one place and let the dry land appear and

#Too many characters in specification string. Try again.
%Create dry_land

#Done.

%Run firmament

#And God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors.
#And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3.
#Approx. funds remaining: $65.00.

#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4.
%Create lights in the firmament to divide the day from the night
#Unspecified type. Try again.

%Create sun_moon_stars

#Done

%Run sun_moon_stars

#And God created the heavens. And God saw there were 0 errors.
#And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4.
#Approx. funds remaining: $54.00.

#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Thursday, March 5.
%Create fish

#Done

%Create fowl

#Done

%Run fish, fowl

#And God created the great sea monsters and every living creature that creepeth wherewith the waters swarmed after its kind and every winged fowl after its kind. And God saw there were 0 errors.

#And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Thursday, March 5.
#Approx. funds remaining: $45.00.

#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Friday, March 6.
%Create cattle

#Done

%Create creepy_things

#Done

%Now let us make man in our image

#Unspecified type. Try again.

%Create man

#Done

%Be fruitful and multiply and replenish the earth and subdue it and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the fowl of the air and over every living thing that creepeth upon the earth

#Too many command operands. Try again.
%Run multiplication

#Execution terminated. 6 errors.

%Insert breath

#Done

%Run multiplication

#Execution terminated. 5 errors.

%Move man to Garden of Eden

#File Garden of Eden does not exist.

%Create Garden.edn

#Done

%Move man to Garden.edn

#Done

%Run multiplication

#Execution terminated. 4 errors.

%Copy woman from man

#Done

%Run multiplication

#Execution terminated. 3 errors.

%Insert woman into man

#Illegal parameters. Try again.

%Insert man into woman

#Done

%Run multiplication

#Execution terminated. 2 errors.

%Create desire

#Done

%Run multiplication

#And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn
#Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.

%Create freewill

#Done

%Run freewill

#And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn
#Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.

%Undo desire

#Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created.
%Destroy freewill

#Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
#Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.

%Help

#Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created.
#Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
#Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.

%Create tree_of_knowledge

#And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn
#Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.

%Create good, evil

#Done

%Activate evil

#And God saw he had created shame.
#Warning system error in sector E95. Man and woman not in Garden.edn.
#1 errors.

%Scan Garden.edn for man, woman

#Search failed.

%Delete shame

#Shame cannot be deleted once evil has been activated.
%Destroy freewill

#Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
#Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.

%Stop

#Unrecognizable command. Try again
%Break
%Break
%Break

#ATTENTION ALL USERS *** ATTENTION ALL USERS:
COMPUTER GOING DOWN FOR REGULAR DAY OF MAINTENANCE AND REST IN FIVE MINUTES. PLEASE LOG OFF.

%Create new world

#You have exceeded your allocated file space. You must destroy old files before new ones can be created.

%Destroy earth

#Destroy earth: Please confirm.

%Destroy earth confirmed

#COMPUTER DOWN *** COMPUTER DOWN. SERVICES WILL RESUME SUNDAY, MARCH 8 AT 6:00 AM. YOU MUST SIGN OFF NOW.

#And God logged off at 11:59:59 PM, Friday, March 6.
#Approx. funds remaining: $0.00.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Acum sa va puneti niste intrebari....

Sunt curios daca "God" este pe AMD sau pe INTEL.
Sunt curios daca lumea este randata de ATi sau nVidia si daca God foloseste un engine de Q3, sau Unreal.
Sunt curios cate poligoane au modelele lui Adam sau Eva si ce fel de texturi folosesc.
Sunt curios daca lumea suporta sunet EAX sau Dolby Digital.
Sunt curios daca acum merg corect volumetric shadows, sau nu. Si cum se va vedea apa, daca God se hotaraste sa puna pixel shaders pe off...

_______________________________________

Knowledge means power!

Schepsis
Ala care sterge posturi si tebuie injurat!
Din: Spatiul Cosmic
Postari: 217

Femeile... in varianta INTEL

> Femeia INTERNET: o femeie pe care o poti accesa greu.
>
> Femeia SERVER: femeia care este tot timpul ocupata.
>
> Femeia POWERPOINT: numai Bill Gates vrea sa o foloseasca mai mult de
> 30 de minute.
>
> Femeia WORD: are de fiecare data o supriza pentru tine si nimeni din
> lume nu o cunoaste in totalitate.
>
> Femeia EXCEL: se spune ca poate sa faca o gramada de lucruri, dar o
> folosesti doar la chestii simple.
>
> Femeia D.O.S.: oricine a avut-o pe vremuri si nimeni n-o mai vrea.
>
> Femeia BACKUP: crezi ca are mereu ceea ce iti trebuie, dar cand vine
> ora X vezi ca mereu a avut cate ceva lipsa din ceea ce iti trebuia.
>
> Femeia VIRUS: cunoscuta si ca "sotie". Cand nu te astepti te trezesti
> cu
ea
> pe cap, se instaleaza singura si mananca toate resursele. Daca vrei sa

> o dezinstalezi o sa pierzi unele chestii, daca nu incerci o sa pierzi
> totul.
>
> Femeia SCANDISK: tu stii ca e buna si ca vrea sa te ajute, dar
> niciodata
nu
> stii cu adevarat ce face ca sa te ajute.
>
> Femeia SCREENSAVER: nu e buna la nimic, dar macar este distractiva.
> Femeia RAM: uita mereu tot ce ai spus dupa ce o deconectezi.
>
> Femeia HARDDISK: memoreaza totul pentru totdeauna.
>
> Femeia MULTIMEDIA: face lucrurile urate sa para frumoase.
>
> Femeia MICROSOFT: vrea sa fie stapana peste toti barbatii care ii
> intalneste si incearca sa ii convinga pe toti ca ea este cel mai bun
> lucru pentru ei. Va face orice ca sa te certi cu alte femei si spune
> ca vei avea tot ce iti doresti daca ii dai agenda. Va veni o zi in
> care o sa ii ceri voie sa deschizi frigiderul.
>
> Femeia PASSWORD: crezi ca numai tu o cunosti, dar in realitate o stie
toata
> lumea.
>
> Femeia MP3: toti vor sa o ia.
>
> Femeia USER: Strica tot ce face si mereu vrea mai mult decat ii
> trebuie.
>
> Femeia MONITOR: Iti face viata sa fie mai stralucitoare.
>
> Femeia CDROM: e mereu mai rapida si mai rapida.
>
> Femeia DATAWAREHOUSING: te tine la curent cu orice se intampla
> exceptand ceea ce te intereseaza cel mai tare.
Femeia E-MAIL: din 10
> lucruri care le zice 8 sunt tampenii.

_______________________________________

Knowledge means power!

Schepsis
Ala care sterge posturi si tebuie injurat!
Din: Spatiul Cosmic
Postari: 217

VIRUS FOARTE PERICULOS!

Daca receptionezi un e-mail intitulat "Badtimes", sterge-l imediat!!!
Nu il deschide!!!
Aparent nu este un virus foarte nasol. Nu numai ca va sterge tot ce ai
pe hard disk(uri), dar de asemenea va sterge totul pe orice disc pe o raza
de 20 de metri in jurul calculatorului tau. Demagnetizeaza toate cartile tale de credit. Reprogrameaza codul tau de la bancomat, de asemenea iti
reprogrameaza videoul si utilizeaza armonici ale campurilor subspatiale
pentru a sterge orice CD incerci sa asculti. Va programa toate quick
dial-urile de pe noul tau telefon cu numarul soacrei tale. Acest virus
va inocula antigel in acvariul tau.
Va bea toata berea ta. Pentru Dumnezeu, omule, asculti ce-ti zic?!?)
Va lasa sosete murdare pe masuta din sufragerie cand astepti oaspeti.
Te va determina sa te joci cu foarfecele intr-un mod care pare
distractiv pana cineva va ramane cu un ochi.
Virusul va rescrie toate salvarile tale, schimband toate verbele la
prefectul compus si va incorpora indetectabile greseli de ortografie,
care vor schimba complet sensul propozitiilor. Iti va inlocui samponul cu gel si gelul cu prenandez exact cand te pregatesti pentru sindrofie. Daca mesajul "Badtimes" este deschis sub Windows 95/98, va lasa capacul de la toaleta ridicat si uscatorul de par periculos de aproape de cada plina. De asemenea, va indeparta toate documentele tiparite in dublu exemplar pentru siguranta, cat si matreata de pe perna, va unge clantele cu SuperGlue si le va conecta la reteaua distribuitorului local de energie electrica (mai precis, exact la orele cand reteaua este la varf - 50Hz).
* * * AVERTIZEAZA CAT MAI MULTI OAMENI POTI! * *
Daca nu trimiti asta la 5000 de oameni in 20 de secunde vei fi blestemat
prin cuvinte grele.
Trimite, trimite, trimite!!! !...

_______________________________________

Knowledge means power!

Schepsis
Ala care sterge posturi si tebuie injurat!
Din: Spatiul Cosmic
Postari: 217

Viata unui Electron pe nume MICRO

Micro was a real-time operator and a dedicated multi-user. His broadband
protocol made it easy for him to interface with numerous input/output
devices, even if it meant time-sharing.
One evening he arrived home just as the Sun was crashing, and had parked
his Motorola 68000 in the main drive (he had missed the 5100 bus that
morning), when he noticed an elegant piece of liveware admiring the daisy
wheels in his garden. He though to himself, "She looks user-friendly.
I'll see if she'd like an update tonight."
He browsed over to her casually, admiring the power of her twin 32 bit
floating point processors, and inquired, "How are you, Honeywell?"
"Yes, I am well", she responded, batting her optical fibers engagingly and
smoothing her console over her ****** functions.
Micro settled for a straight line approximation. "I'm stand-alone
tonight", he said. "How about computing a vector to my base address? I'll
output a byte to eat and maybe we could get offset later on."
Mini ran a priority process for 2.6 milliseconds, then transmitted 8K,
"I've been recently dumped myself and a new page is just what I need to
refresh my disk packs. I'll park my machine cycle in your background and
meet you inside." She walked off, leaving Micro admiring her solenoids and
thinking, "Wow, what a global variable! I wonder if she'd like my
firmware?"
They sat down at the process table to a top of form feed of fiche and
chips and a bottle of Baudot. Mini was in conversational mode and expanded
on ambiguous arguments while Micro gave occasional acknowledgements
although, in reality, he was analyzing the shortest and least critical path
to her entry point. He finally settled on the old line, "Would you like to
see my benchmark subroutine?", but Mini was again one clock tick ahead.
Suddenly, she was up and stripping off her parity bits to reveal the
full functionality of her operating system. "Let's get BASIC, you RAM" she
said. Micro was loaded by this stage, but his hardware policing module had
a processor of its own and was in danger of overflowing its output buffer,
a hang-up that Micro had consulted his analyst about. "Core", was all he
could say, as she prepared to log him off.
Micro soon recovered, however, when she went down on the DEC and opened
her device files to reveal her data set ready. He accessed his fully
packed root device and was about to start pushing into her CPU stack, when
she attempted an escape sequence.
"No, no!" she cried. "You're not shielded!"
"Reset, baby", he replied. "I've been debugged."
"But I haven't got my current loop enabled, and I can't support child
processes", she protested.
"Don't run away", he said. "I'll generate an interrupt."
"No!" she squealed. "That's too error prone and I can't abort because
of my design philosophy."
But Micro was locked in by this stage and could not be turned off. Mini
stopped his thrashing by introducing a voltage spike into his main supply,
whereupon he fell over with a head crash and went to sleep.
"Computers!" she thought as she compiled herself. "All they ever think
of is hex!"

_______________________________________

Knowledge means power!

Schepsis
Ala care sterge posturi si tebuie injurat!
Din: Spatiul Cosmic
Postari: 217

Signs You are Forgetting the Difference Between Your Eyes and Your GeForce:
11. You look at sunset and think "I wonder if I can get this in 1024x768".
10. You blink and think "crap, more frame loss".
9. You stare at a leaf for hours and hours trying to discern the pixels.
8. You refer to people who use artificial things like Glasses and Contacts as "lousy VooDoo folk".
7. You avoid large groups for fear of overloading your Polygon renderer.
6. Looking towards the horizon, you proudly announce "I found the Clipping plane".
5. Your vision get blurry and immediately you think "crap, need new drivers."
4. When you drive and the other guy has his brights on, you curse the Gamma rates.
3. You seriously believe one eye has better OpenGL support than the other.
2. You complain to your doctor about biased benchmarks after failing your eye exam.
1. You sing the praises of nvidia engineers each time you see your reflection in a car bumper.

_______________________________________

Knowledge means power!

Schepsis
Ala care sterge posturi si tebuie injurat!
Din: Spatiul Cosmic
Postari: 217

Ghidul utilizatorului de IT

1. Cand ne chemi sa-ti mutam calculatorul, asigura-te ca l-ai lasat
ingropat sub o juma' de tona de carti postale, poze de-ale copiilor,
animale impaiate, flori uscate, cornuri vechi si dosare patate cu cafea.
Noi nu avem o viata personala si suntem adanc miscati cand putem trage o ocheada fugara prin viata ta.

2. Nu nota nimic. Niciodata. Putem sa redam mesajele tale de eroare de la noi.

3. Cand un informatician spune ca vine la tine, du-te bea o cafea. In felul acesta nu vei fi acolo cand vom avea nevoie de parola ta. Pentru noi, memorarea a 700 de parole de screen-saver e floare la ureche.

4. Cand ne suni, spune-ne ce doresti sa faci, nu ceea ce te impiedica sa faci acel lucru. Nu avem nevoie sa stim ca nu poti folosi programul cutare pentru ca calculatorul tau nici macar nu porneste. Sau mai bine:
cand ne suni, nu ne spune deloc de ce ne chemi la tine. La ce bun ne-ar putea folosi?

5. Cand un informatician iti trimite un mesaj foarte important, sterge-l imediat. Erau doar teste.

6. Cand un informatician e la biroul lui si mananca, intra drept
inauntru si varsa-ti oful. Existam doar pentru a sluji.

7. Cand copiatorul nu functioneaza, cheama-ti informaticianul. Doar
contine componente electronice !

8. Cand un informatician iti spune ca imprimantele nu au cartus in ele, sustine-ti punctul de vedere. Savuram argumentele relevante.

9. Cand un informatician iti spune ca va veni in scurt timp, raspunde cu un ton aspru:"Si cam cate luni intelegi tu prin <> ?". Acest lucru ne motiveaza.

10. Cand imprimanta nu vrea sa tipareasca, retrimite documentul de cel putin 20 de ori. Deseori documentele dispar in gaurile negre. Daca imprimanta nu tipareste nici dupa 20 de incercari, trimite documentul la toate celelalte 68 imprimante din retea. Una din ele trebuie sa functioneze !

11. Nu invata nici un termen tehnic. Cand spui "Nu-mi merge chestia aia", stim exact ce vrei sa spui. Daca cablul de la mouse continua sa iti dea jos poza inramata a cainelui tau, ridica calculatorul si inghesuie cablul sub el. Cablurile de mouse au fost facuta sa reziste la 20 kg.

12. Daca tasta spatiu nu mai functioneaza, arunca vina pe varianta noua de program. De fapt tastaturile savureaza foarte mult kilogramul de firimituri si de unghii dinauntru.

13. Daca primesti un mesaj care spune "Are you sure ?", fa cat de repede poti click pe butonul Yes. La naiba, daca n-ai fi sigur, atunci nu ai face ce faci, nu ?!

14. Simte-te liber sa zici lucruri de genul "nu ma pricep la porcariile
astea de calculatoare". Nu ne suparam cand auzim ca se face referire la arealul nostru de expertiza profesionala ca fiind porcarie.

15. Cand vrei sa schimbi cartusul la imprimanta, cheama-ti
informaticianul. Schimbarea unui cartus de impimanta este o sarcina extrem de complexa, si se recomanda ca ea sa fie executata doar de un inginer licentiat in fizica nucleara.

16. Cand te intalnesti cu un informatician duminica la aprozar,
intreaba-l ceva de calculatoare. Lucram si in weekend.

17. Nu nota nimic din ceea ce te invatam. Ne place sa repetam la infinit aceleasi lucruri.

18. Cand ne semnalezi ca nu ai acces in retea, jura-te ca ai introdus parola corecta. Calculatoarele o iau razna deseori.

19. In loc sa ne spui ce s-a intamplat, spune-ne doar ca "a disparut
chestia aia desi n-am facut nimic". Calculatoarele se aseamana cu
Triunghiul Bermudelor, si noua ne plac misterele."

_______________________________________

Knowledge means power!

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